


Something like Sinking

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Eremin - Freeform, M/M, TW; mentions of suicide/drowning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 21:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1579430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin dies and Eren is left to wonder if it was suicide or just an accident– these are his letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something like Sinking

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on tumblr last night just to save to my writing blog and it got a lot more recognition than I ever even meant for it to so I hope some people on here can enjoy and cry too (':

Sometimes I wonder if I missed it. If I missed the way you looked closely at the ground and your smile faltered– if it never really went to your eyes because when we were together you were always looking at me and I couldn't help but look back and stare into those atlantic eyes and wonder how I ever got so lucky. I wish I'd had the guts to tell my parents before you died, I know you wanted that. And I can't help but wonder if part of the reason you were so sad is because I couldn't be strong enough for the both of us. I'm so sorry, Armin.

-

Do you think it was fate that we met? I never really believed in that kind of stuff, I think you did though. I don't know about fate but I know I wouldn't be the same if we'd never met– if you'd never moved in next door, if I'd never crashed my bike in front of your house and you'd never sat down next to me with a SpiderMan bandaid and kissed my scraped knee. If you'd never given me my first kiss– both of them. I know you like to count that one as our real first kiss, but I like the story of our second one better. I think about fate a lot nowadays. I wonder if it was fate that you were taken away from me. If it was fate that the thing you loved so much is the reason we aren't together anymore. I wonder if it was fate that I was the one to find you when it did.

-

Your lips matched your eyes. You were so cold, so cold even against the midnight sand and I couldn't stop screaming. I don't remember the screaming but I remember the way my throat hurt the next day, the way every part of me hurts every day that you're not with me. I remember Mikasa pulling me off of you and I remember feeling like I hadn't breathed in days. They say you never realize what you have until it's gone but I did, I knew it all along, you were like air to me and now you're gone and I haven't taken a breath in months. Did you feel like this? If this is what drowning feels like I refuse to believe you would ever do this to yourself. It hurts so much, Armin, please come back.

-

Everyone says not to assume because we'll never really know so we might as well think the best– but isn't that assuming too? Jean said he thought he'd noticed you seemed "kinda down lately" at the funeral, I don't remember much about that day either, but I remember splitting his lip and I remember the blood dripping black on his collar. Even now, I don't know if I hit him because he could stomach even suggesting you'd do it or because I was angry I hadn't been the one to notice. Everyone said you looked beautiful in your coffin, Armin, but they never saw just how beautiful you could be when you were alive. They never saw you like I did. I've never been good with words but I know I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you were the day you told me you loved me, how beautiful you were every day after and every day before that when we were together. They couldn't see just how much of an injustice the little body in that coffin did to you, the real you.

-

I still remember our first kiss– not the one you're thinking of, our real first kiss, our second kiss. I remember my hands were shaking so hard I thought I'd miss and my heart beat was so loud I couldn't believe your grandpa didn't bust us right then. You looked like a dream and I would've sworn you were if I hadn't felt your tears against my lips and heard your voice crack when you cried even harder while we kissed. I remember being so scared, so scared– we were just kids and I didn't know what I was doing. We're still just kids. I'm still scared. I still don't know what I'm doing. Even less now that you're gone. You were just a kid. In a way you'll always be just a kid, now, but in a way you never really were.

-

We were supposed to see the world together, do you remember promising that? Because I do. I remember promising a lot of things. I remember promising to tell my parents about us, to see the pacific, to move in together and get a cat and let you name it because we both know I'd name it something stupid. I remember promising to love you, forever. I think that's the only promise I'm able to keep now. I broke a lot of promises, but I'm never going to break another promise to you again. I remember promising I'd never leave you alone. I remember breaking that promise and hating myself for it every single day and I know that I don't need to remember because I hate myself right now, in this moment, for every promise I ever made and broke to you but most of all that one because now you're gone and it's all my fault. I remember you never promised the same thing and I remember the aching hollow feeling I got in my chest the first timed I asked myself if I thought you'd still be here if I'd made you promise too.

-

I'm so sorry I left you alone. I'm sorry I wasn't with you when it happened. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you go anywhere by yourself that night, I'm sorry I was too afraid of what everyone would say to care about how you felt. I'm sorry I even let you out of my sight, I was so engrossed in our friends, in graduating, in moving on and moving away and moving in with you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you– even before that day. I'm sorry if I never noticed, I'm sorry I was too caught up in us to take a better look at you. Most of all I'm sorry I can't be with you right now, not now, not yet.

-

I don't know which way is up anymore. You were the only reason I'd ever kept two feet planted on the ground– because if you were there then I was there. Where do I go now? I don't know what to do without you and nobody understands it and everybody else is moving on and talking to counselors and shit and I can't talk to anyone but you and you'll never read these but I can't stop, I can't stop writing, I don't know how to move on, I love you so much, I love you so much I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to live without you. You touched every part of my life, you were apart of it all, you were my everything and I can't get you out of my head. I don't know if I even want to. I don't ever want to move on from you. Everywhere feels strange now, I don't belong here. You were where I belonged but you're gone and I want to be gone too. Wherever you go, I'll go. I love you, Armin. I just want to be with you again, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. We're gonna be together again, baby, I promise.


End file.
